So Portland was cool........lots of crate diggin, food spots, check out the diffrent neighborhoods....traveled 3 hrs away to Bend.

Got to chill wit friends & family.....reunite wit some people from my past as well.

See some sights, shop.....eat great food, you know vacation.

My Hip Hop group is under way....we consist of 3 Emcees, currently looking for Dj.

Been feeling sick lately since I came back home, dry throat cough...fever....runny nose...headaches..sucks!

Drinking OJ by the quart, got the Halls vitamin C.

I missed my math test, scored a 400 ..needed a 401.

I gotta re take it soon when the timing gets settled out.

Some how my Sidekick LX got water damage in the LCD screen last night

Found out due to the Sidekick crash last month n half that I can't get a SK  3 to upgrade

Have to call the phone insurance company...it will cost me 130 to replace my LX

I guess I will do that if thats the case, however if the SK 3 normally to upgrade is like 230 ...Ima be pissed that theres a freeze.

It sucks majorly not to have text, email , notes, pictures..etc on my phone righ now

I use the calendar for all my personal and buisness too so Im stressing just abit  to manage

Strapped for cash so I had to barrow money from my grandma...gotta wait atleast three days til the check comes in the mail then deal with the phone buisness.

Been feeling weird, like I expirenced some major break throughs while in Oregon, some spiritual break throughs in my relationship with God

However Im feeling down and out

Feeling like nobody would wanna date me ...much less think of me as marriage material.

Feeling stuck in this hole I been stuck in....debt, no car....my room I rent is nice but the place otherwise looks like the projects.

I have a decent job but btwn debt, rent and other bills....theres no money to be saved, its horrible.

 I watch ppl my age and often I dont feel up to par

Im turning 25 in march......something in my gut makes me feel that a 22-26 old woman thats of my intrest wouldnt even give me a passing thought in the intrested dept.

Broke rapper who works as a pool lifeguard for 12 dollars an hr...in debt with no car!?

I mean i try....I have a plan to get out of debt, Im being as honest as I can with my rap dreams wit out abandoning them.

It doesnt help that I narrow the chances down bcause I won't date non Christians or that I prefer asian girls

seems

personality

only

gets

you

so far.

chea.......

Currently Young, Gifted and Black By Aretha Franklin see related

Its no secret...I got horrible study habits,

got this math test  thats six years over due on tuesday evening...not to mention lifeguard recerts that afternoon

Its got me stressing, I do well when Im working wit my friend who tutors me but alone I can't seem to concentrate or commit do figuring stuff out when I dont know the answer...I jus get side tracked and put other stuff infront like errands, writing lyrics, going out wit the roomates, hell even writing this stupid thing. Its not that I didnt learn stuff its jus that I forget and have trouble putting the right formulas together for the right questions..obviously a very key thing!

Got a hip hop group coming together slowly, so far its just me and another MC fresh from washington, he goes by the name of F.U.P.A. (bet you can't figure out this dope acronym!)

We are looking for a Dj/producer and 1 other MC to complete the group.

My solo EP is close to being completed but isnt it always? shit.   Fa real tho! its coming! if anyone is even intrested?

Found out my flight to portland at the end of month, returning has a 2 hr lay over in Utah and a 2 hr lay over in LA...i hate flying!

Least I been surviving ok in this heat...looking fwd to actually expirencing "Fall" in the mainland as I miss it alot.

If i can pull off these tests, get my ass on the plane to portland..land there, have lots of fun and get my ass back in time to scramble to make some papes, pay rent and get my EP out, I'd be stoked.

Lift up a prayer? Wish me luck? Call me the day after to kick it? something like that......?

Currently Crime Pays By Cam'ron my job see related

Right now my flesh is kicking and screaming

picking up where i left off last night

anguish, heightened anxiety, frustration...self loathing

Im wanting to pray to God asking for a spiritual pain killer...not healing

why not healing? cuz my stupid flesh wants it  this way, I want my damn way...so I  can cont to walk in pain

this is utter bullshit! garbage! bah, lose money! lose sleep! wasting my life over this !

I know saying a simple soul tie breaking prayer wasnt going to be the end all but here I am , this is out of hand, this is mental, this is rediclous my way or the high way....suicide over surrendering, i dont ever wanna go to ninevah, rigid as can be, full on temper tantrum blogging.

my flesh wants to ramble words of advice:

1) dont fall in love ever

2) dont gamble with your emotions/gut feelings

3) do whatever it takes to maintain advice # 1 and #2.

I know im wrong tho, dead wrong.....I jus  chose to only see things from a failed human perspective.

God most probally wants me to jus walk away from this ( for a long time now )and im like no...i dont want anything else you have to offer!  i want my way! how sick is that?  its beyond HIV or cancer sick...I'll tell you that much.

This is a rotting corpse situation, yet my flesh keeps digging it up....it wreaks, its pilau!

Dear God,

I don't trust

dont trust that theres something better in store

I dont see it, I can't make it happen, Im not in control....

obviously.

God

When i come to my senses  I  realize

I don't want to live like this, please help me, I can't change on my own.

I need victory over what my ego feels is the biggest lost my heart has taken...

I need change, I dont want it to take long....it feels like its crushing me, the time perspective.

I can't understand why this is nessary....the whole saga of going thru the past years the way I have., i want to be more willing, more faithful....i want to be able to say that Im in love with you lord

I can't......I can't begin to do this, its not in me

I need you Lord Jesus to put it in me.......let me know if you need to clean out my heart to make room for what you have.

Currently Babyface - A Collection of His Greatest Hits By Babyface two occasions see related

Its been a quiet but busy summer

Chock full of work & paying bills

Managed to see the movies I wanted to see in the theaters so far

Going to see "Funny People" tomarrow and "G.I. JOE" on Sunday

Small group has been a blessing, reading Francis Chan's "Crazy Love".

Had fillet mignon for the first time last night at TheCheeseCakeFactory

Very ono, so ono I dipped my french fries in the steak juice

Best thing about it was that it was FREE! (thanks for dinner Jamieson)

Looking fwd to trying a fillet mignon at a real steak house one day.

Going to Portland, Eugene, Desmond in Oct

Seeing some old friends, family

Should be very intresting

Looking fwd to the cold weather!

Things are ofcourse not all good but I'm doing my best to keep things moving

Going to start my 3 week probation period at church this week, serving on the sound team ministry

Looking fwd to meeting new people at my church and ofcourse aquire more knowledge of sound engineering.

Abit concerned about being scheduled to work late on Weds nights

It will be forcing me to miss small group if I can't get a schedule change

That would suck majorly, I dont mind missing it randomly but like 3 weeks in a row is too much!

I am grateful for my job yet hope my plan  can go along the time line of working there for only another year  or so while finishing up my AA degree and hopefully seeing about/working on getting a Sound Engineering certificate.

It appears I will be at the same place of residency through the fall and most likely winter, which is alright...I've learned to take it at face value.

Being awake..restless on this day off, can't help but wonder what God has in store in the near future

I want to choose to glorify God even if I must do things I really don't want to do

Choose to step out from being safe and choose doing whatever it takes.

Currently Donuts see related

This summer is going by fast

I can't help but try and replay what now feels like a whirlwind of a blurr of last summer

Least things are getting accomplished, sometimes slowly but atleast surely.

My mind is always wondering what lays ahead in the future

Theres never a pause button

However

Days off from working at the resort are always welcomed  especially when I'm able to spend time with friends & family or such as today teach private swim lessons.

Teaching children to swim is one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had, The chance to get in the water, get my mind off my own troubles & cares in this life...just focus on communicating and giving back what i can from the trust that a child is giving me to help them accomplish swimming and being able to dive is amazing! The relationship you build in a short amount of time w/ the student & parents is also great.

I was able to swim on my own by the time i was two...I like the arguement of one or one & half that my parents say...however two seems to be the most logical. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't know how to swim or was a weak swimmer.

Often wonder if I was more into science would I have become a marine bio major or something more along those lines.....Ofcourse theres also the fact that im physically limited to diving depths due to my eardrum being removed in my left ear...so Im unable to equalize when needed. I'm blessed to have free dived at many wonderful locations here in Oahu & Maui however...just lament not taking a under water camera with me.

I don't get too many chances these days to get in the ocean, let alone dive.....lack of time, someone to dive with play a major factor.

 Often wonder what it would be like if my dad lived here in hawaii, granted he bothered to spend the time...my love of swimming and diving came from him...I could see us going on many expeditions, such is life tho.

He would be stoked on the fact that Im lifeguarding these days, I could see us surfing, bike riding in hawaii, diving ofcourse.....We havn't spoke in over 6 years, let alone seen each other in 8 years.

I'm always hoping my future wife will have a decent relationship with her parents, I even go so far as to hope they are still together so it will be a diffrent expirence than mine.

I can remember looking foward to hearing back from my dad, telling him I had met the girl of my dreams and that I was looking to get engaged.....I never heard back or was sure that He even got my card. Needless to say the relationship never panned out, I lamented over even bothering to contact my father.... abit agitated that both relationships seemed to have blew up in my face.

Seems I was day dreaming too hard that things would come together...a wedding, reuniting with my father, having friends and family together....getting my father back in my life especially because I want him in my grandchildren's life.

It could still happen....one day..some day...hope for the future.. if tomarrow ever comes...perhaps?

Currently Nas By Nas Breathe see related